Being Authentic
I vividly remember my Nana dying. She loved generously and was loved by all. She had a magnetic personality and was the family matriarch in the most wonderful of ways. I was in my early 20’s and was devastated. It was the first time someone close to me had died. Her funeral was a celebration of her life and, as with much loved people, was well attended.
Of the many memories I have of that day, the one I have wrestled with the most is the ‘stiff upper lip’ approach people had. They only shed the occasional tear and proceeded to apologise profusely for showing emotion. As much as we were a classic ‘British’ family and many of the people who attended the funeral were “Baby Boomers” I still found it weird. Over the years I have reflected on that day and wrestled with the question, “Where is the balance between being authentic and honouring social etiquette and norms?”
As with much of life there is no neat and clean answer. Different cultures, ages, generations have expectations that help mould and maintain the social fabric. Whether you believe you should not ‘wear your heart on your sleeve’, or that you should be able to cry in public if you feel sad, the point I want to explore is more around your daily ability to be your authentic self.
Are there certain groups of people where you find yourself holding back, not being inclined to be fully authentic? How often do you create a mask or persona that is fitting for an occasion? Obviously, there are occasions where you need to be more formal or more laid back. The question being poised here is are you changing more than you would like to? How much of your behaviour is driven by wanting to be accepted versus being authentic?
When you kill a little of yourselves to appease the perceived expectations and insecurities of those around you, you start a snowball effect of losing yourself. The more you hide of yourself the more you feel the need to hide. It is often a slow and insidious journey that arrives unexpectedly at a confrontation point. Choosing between who you are and who you perceive others ‘need’ you to be is tough because you will likely have forgotten who you are and who you want to be. Those tiny compromises of self, accumulate into a blanket that covers the belief you have options and hides what those options might even be.
When you are being a different person at work, at home, or in a social club, how do you choose which persona or mask you should wear? Do you want people to like you or think you are smart or professional? How do you manage when you are with people from two different groups in your life? If you bumped into friends from your social club while at a work function how would you manage it? For many people this can be so awkward. Trying to keep a professional front that your work colleagues expect from you while your mates are used to bantering with you and know you for being quick witted with funny comebacks. Without self acceptance you will inevitably disappoint both groups.
Living to please others never works over the long haul. The goalposts will feel like they are constantly moving. The reality is that you'll be constantly shifting and changing to fit the constructs you've made in your mind about what others think of you and who you should be.
Do you need to start being real with yourself today?
